As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
