My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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