i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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