Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I FOUND THE LEGS
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
