At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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