The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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