Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
