Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
