There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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