apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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