I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
