One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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