Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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