There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
birth control should be required to get into college
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
