Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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