whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
