he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
