I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
