She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
