When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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