I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
