Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
