Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize