The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
