Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
