For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
