i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just cut my nipple shaving
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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