So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
