i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize