is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
