You're earring is so big in my mouth
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
