Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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