How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
