Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
