I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
