I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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