I'm so fucking centered right now
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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