The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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