Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
