he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
