I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think people are normalizing furries
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
