I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I need moral support for this bender
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
