Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's blow job season.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
