We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
