I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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