I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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