I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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