Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
