If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
