So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
