Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
