Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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