So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize