Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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