her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
