i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
