Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
