I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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